I wish I could say that I always felt like running. I read these articles and see these posts on other blogs where people just don't feel right until they get their run in for the day. Yeah, I am not one of those people. I like programs and I like completing task (I guess that is why I like things like ( C25K and the FattyMustRunMarathonChallenge) but I rarely get the urge to go for a run to clear my head nor do I feel out of whack because I missed a run. Sure, I have loathed myself for not meeting my goal of doing something I said I was going to do or missing a day in a program.... but feel mentally off because I didn't run? Nope, not here and not today. No today was more of a mental challenge that became more of a mental workout than anything else. Which I guess I could consider marathon training. I heard of this wall that people encounter and this wall is mentally challenging. Now I am not comparing my feelings with this wall...remember I am doing this training one 5K at a time. So my exercise yesterday was a baby step.
Looking back, I think I tried to sabotage my run yesterday. The day before was my daughter's 17th birthday so we stayed up talking late into the night. So yesterday morning I did not wake up early enough to go for a run. By the time lunch came, it was too hot. (Seriously, the "feels like" temperature was 99) So I talked myself into waiting until the evening and besides I only had a pair of new fitted running capris clean and I can't wear that with a fitted tech shirt and my large, looks like a potato sack tech shirt was dirty...see the excuses just building? I had convinced myself to delay my run until the evening.
After struggling with my attire, the apps on my phone and seeking encouragement from my fellow FMRMCers, I hit the trails. I would love to say that 5 minutes into my run, that "I WANT" showed up but he didn't. Doubt showed up and consumed me. Why am I out here? I must look ridiculous. This has to be worse than the slow motion video of me on Saturday. Is that chafing I am feeling under my arms? I am not going to make it. Which is worse, running with the traffic on a trail that runs along a busy road or running against traffic on that same trail? I mean, if I am running with traffic, all drivers and passengers are watching my big butt run...very slowly and awkwardly. If I run against traffic, people will see the stress I wear on my face and I will see their reactions to seeing fluffy run. My thoughts were not pretty or positive.
But somewhere along the trail in the middle of my long run in C25K I found my stride and I don't mean physically. Just like I had been taught at the running clinic to reset my posture during my run, I decided to do a mental reset. And Ephesians 4:29 came to mind.
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Now normally when I think of this verse I think of it in reference to how I treat other people and what I either say to them or about them. I try to say things that will build people up and not tear them down. Well, why don't those rules apply to me? They should. I wrote about remembering what "I Want" tells you about yourself. And yet here I am in the middle of the Seabrook park and all I hear is garbage. So I stopped my run and hit the reset button. And when I drew a blank on good things to say, I started to quote verses that had helped me in the past...I can do all things through Christ that gives me strength, if He be for me, who dare be against, He gave me the oil of gladness instead of mourning, Ask and you shall receive....etc
And then Bang Bang followed by Bon Bon played on my playlist and my run felt better. I think I even held my head higher and sang out loud on a few parts of the song Bon Bon. All of a sudden new great tapes were playing in my head. Somewhere during that run I even decided I liked the way I looked and will wear this outfit again...in public.
Now I am not saying go find a Bible and memorize some verses. If that is what you got out of this you are missing the point. What I am saying is this. When you decide to write those letters to yourself about why you are doing this and why you deserve this, make sure you store them away in your mind and in your heart. You may be far from home when the need arises to hear them. For me, the truths I know about myself come from these verses. They roll off my tongue with little effort and absolutely no thinking. (It was thinking that got me in trouble in the first place.) You need to be able to do the same thing with whatever you choose. So practice saying them even when you feel great so that they come out naturally when you don't.
Remember, don't let anything that will tear you down, come out of your mouth or your mind. Only say and think things that will build you up. 4:29